Monthly Archives: August 2015

The universe and changing

The sun is the center
All the planets orbit the sun

Sometimes it feels like my universe is like ours.
My sun is a person, all the other planets, too.
I orbit them from far, far away.
They mean so much to me.
That is why I am so much emotional addicted to them.
I always get to the point, when I cannot stand it anymore, because it kills me deep inside.
I want the best for all these people, but I know that I will never be able to be so close to them as I expect.
It is the reason why I become disappointed. I am a very sensitive and emotional person.

The situation became like that now: No contact to the ones I love. I have to find another structure of my universe.
That is why I keep on working on myself. The one I was yesterday wants to be a changed one tomorrow. Step by step it will work.
Happiness is so important and people are the ones, who give happiness a special.
For me it is like happiness does not exist without people. It is non sense I know.
It makes me fight! It makes me changing! FIGHT AND CHANGE!

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Letter to fear

Dear fear
You are driving me crazy.
I do not know how to stand you.
You are there and a moment later you are gone.
You make me act like I am a cruel monster.
It feels like you controll my human being.
I know it is your job to scare people.

It is up to them how it ends, right?
You make me fight against an enemy. You are my enemy.
You make me fall but I get up again. You hurt me, but I live with all these scars.
You change me. But I decide who I want to become.
You can be as cruel as you want, you will never be able to get my whole me.
You might have caught some parts of me. But I will fight until the end to escape from you.
When it comes through an end there will be me and no you anymore.
Thank you fear to teach me how to fight against all these difficult things in life!

Heart vs mind, a deep fight inside

What is the language of our heart? What is the language of our mind?
When we look through the eyes of our hearts there are feelings.
There are no words. It is like you are in a situation, feel something and you cannot explain why you have exactly this feeling.
Your heart creats your feelings and explains them in thoughts.

Our mind does it the other way around.
When we think about something, our minds make us crash with thoughts. These are our thoughtful moments.
All these thoughts lead to feelings.

What is so confusing about both?
I guess both of them can drive us totally crazy, because when we try to find out whether there was at first a thought or a feeling, there might not be answer for some of us. We can not find any difference. It is like what was first on earth the egg or the chicken?
It is difficult to find a connection between both, because they are as similar as different.

My experience is that there are two ways. The first one is you found your balance. But mostly it is like you found it and then you loose it.
So that’s when your second way starts. The second one is this confusion. It feels helpless. You don’t know what you want, who you are. Your thoughts are going in circles.
It seems like you loose yourself completely. That’s the moment where fear begins. I am completely scared of loosing myself. But nevertheless there are times I do.
It is like crying day and night about weeks. But every time when I had lost myself, I was able to rise stronger than before.
Maybe it is this down you need to understand that it is a process and that nothing lasts forever. For example you found yourself in this harmony between heart and mind. It doesn’t mean this moment will last forever.
It is like as soon you found harmony as soon it is gone. It is a process, which will come with us through our whole life.

How do you think about this heart and mind balance?

Living in the present

When do we start living right now?
When do we stop living in the past?
We all have our memories. Some are good, others bad.

What do they teach us?
The past forms us to the ones we are right now.
Without all these experiences, without past as a teacher, we would never be the ones we are right now.
We do not understand why all these different things happen to us.
What we know is that we are our formers. We go our ways. Every single one her/ his own one.
Our goals are as different as we individuums are.
We all try to find the “perfect” way to reach these goals.

Some of us forget about humanity. They are focussed as programmed machines.
It seems to be that they have no emotions anymore, no sympathy for others.
They are going alone on their egoistic way.

Of course all humans are egoists. But we all decide how we handle with this characteristic.
These people suppress their humanity. I mean they suppress their emotions and their sympathy for other human beings.

When we ask ourselves: How much egoism is healthy?
Do you have any answer of these questions. If you like, you will leave a comment.

Changing society

We live in a world influenced by technology.
Humans, who decided to own a world, improve it.
We become more and more influenced by it.
Little children with their own smart phones, with their own tablets.
Five year old children are more often playing with their technology items than enjoying nature.
Is it a process, which helps us to be more happy with our lives?
Of course technology is helpful for the global connections, industry etc. But is it necessary, that it influences us so hard in our every day lives?

Technology keeps us away from nature. It destroys our inner harmony, because we become more and more addicted to it.
We are creatures formed by nature. Isn’t nature the place we should spend most of our time?
Many people forget about it. Isn’t it great to have a walk in a park? Isn’t it great to climb a mountain?
Isn’t it great to sit in the grass and to close your eyes only to listen to all the animals, to the melody of the wind?
It is peaceful, isn’t it?

Not everyone feels close to nature. In my opinion it is the result of development.
We all have this inner instinct, which connects us to nature.
We can see the beauty of it, but most of us close their eyes. It is like listen to your heart, to your feelings and you will find the origin place you belong to.

When we forget about the spirit of nature, how are we able to live a lucky life?
Luck is defined different by every single individuum. But we belong to this process of evolution and a part of us will always remember it.
Some suppress their connction to nature, others understand how important it is to enjoy and spend time in nature.
We are able to find the spirit of nature.

To the ones, who forgot about it: Open your hearts and you will find a place of peace, joy and luck.

To the ones, who know the spirit: Isn’t nature a magic place?

My world

I am dying. Every down makes me die a little more. How do I survive? How do I fight?
I am doing mistakes again and again. My soul has this bad influence called mind.
Why does my mind drive me crazy? I become a monster.
There is me. There is my soul, which talks to me. My monster me, which hides these spoken words of my soul.
My monster me is this dark side. It has so many fears, which I cannot stand. My monster me teaches me to hate.
Hate is the strongest feeling I have ever had. It lives in symbiosis with love. All the people I love are the ones I hate the most.
All these relationships are a reflection of my broken me. It is me, who hates me. It is me, who loves me.
Special ones love me. I am always the one, who cannot stand it.
My monster me is the part I really want to controll. My monster me, which is a part of my mind, destroys me.
It makes me forget who I am. It influences my feelings. It influences my loneliness. It makes me feel lonely.
It controlls my fear of loneliness. Loneliness is one of the most difficult feelings. When I feel lonely there is nothing to hold on.
Every time I feel lonely it feels like a doomsday. My world has many doomsdays. That is because my feelings are changing from one extrem to another.

I have to fix it. I have to change it. I have to find a way to controll my monster me, because my soul really wants to talk to me, but I do not listen.
It is like having the possibility to listen, but my mind is an egoist and says no. It is a fight deep inside me.
I do not have any options. I have to die a little more inside to find my harmony. I miss my harmony. I decided to destroy it.

Now I have to fix it. I have to change situations in my life. My soul knows who I am. I know who I am. Why do I question myself so hard?
I question myself, because I am scared to be who I am. I have this thought: It is better to be hurt by people, who do never really know who I am, than being hurt by people, who really know who I am.
This thought is useless, because I never make people hurt me. I hurt them and the consequence is that they leave my life.
I know I am able to understand life in a special way. I also know, that I use all my energy to destroy myself, because I do not want to be destroyed by others.
It fits together. I use myself to destroy me. I reach this goal again and again, because I hurt people. This action is the most painful part of me.
I critisize myself. I critizise my actions. I listen to people, who want to help me. I work hard on my inner me to become a beautiful flower.
I know I can rise and become beautiful. It is me, my imperfection, my mind and my soul, which have to become a beautiful rainbow.

Dear future me:
Don’t work to become a beautiful personality! Work harder to become a beautiful personality!
Don’t forget who you are! You know who you are, always remember it!
Dream and have plans for your future.
You are the connection between music and dance. If you want to hide anywhere, you will hide exactly there.
It is the place, where you are the one you are. It is your soul’s home. It is the level, where you find chaos and harmony of your feelings.
All your fears are not able to destroy you, when you find realistic answers to all of them. Write about your fears. Question your fears! An answer will help you in difficult situations.
Keep your strength! Keep your inner fighter! Make it and survive a thousand times! Find the friend, who is closer to you than anyone else. Find your friend, called life!

Confused, totally confused

Don’t you know these moments when you want to escape from everything?

Everything feels like a mess. You cannot talk, because you’re not able to talk. You find no words. Like a bomb you’re made to explode one day. I hate this feeling. I want to be alone. No one should be with me. I don’t want to see anyone. I want to sleep. I want to free my mind from all these difficulties of life. Yesterday I slept about zwenty hours. Today I feel much better now but there are still all these conflicts in my head. How can I structure myself when I’m a mess. I don’t want to lie to myself but I do. I don’t want to hurt people but I will.

Do you know situations like that? Do you have a good idea how to find structure?